Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 4 by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Author:Rachel Kramer Bussel
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781627782494
Publisher: Cleis Press
Published: 2018-10-11T16:00:00+00:00

HER INVISIBLE PRISON

Jocelyn Dex

Eden’s entire body trembled, panic rising up as she stepped out the front door. It was only the fifth time she’d stepped outside in the past four years. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on her breathing. Slow, deep, calming breaths. When that didn’t quite do the trick, she pulled the vial of lavender oil from her pocket, unscrewed the cap, and continued her breathing exercises with the added calming benefit of the lavender scent.

“I can do this,” she muttered to herself. “I can walk to the end of the driveway today. I can do this,” she repeated, but with more conviction this time.

She was tired of being a prisoner of her own mind. Sick of the isolation. Sick of fear ruling her life. And she was sick of the loneliness that threatened to suffocate her.

Eden’s fifty-first birthday was in two weeks, and she was determined to make progress on escaping the invisible prison that held her captive. She had to. No risk, no reward. And she definitely desired the reward that awaited her if she succeeded.

She’d joined an online agoraphobia support group when the anxiety had become so bad that she’d become housebound. At first, it started with a panic attack at the grocery store, then a panic attack at the pharmacy, and on and on until she’d simply given up. Avoidance and grocery delivery had become her best friends.

Even though the panic attacks at stores had sucked, when she was still at least able to step outside and enjoy the sunshine, maybe do a little gardening, and still had a few friends, it hadn’t been as bad. But the day she tried to go outside to water her plants and instantly had a panic attack, she’d slammed the door shut, crumpled into a ball on the floor, and cried for hours.

Over time, her friends had dropped out of her life, and she couldn’t really blame them. Who wanted to hang out with someone who wouldn’t leave the house and was scared of her own shadow?

One step, two steps. Breathe. Three steps, four steps. Breathe.

Her legs shook with each step that carried her away from the safety of indoors. She tried to focus on the sun warming her face, the green of the grass, and the occasional butterfly that floated by. Anything to ground her, to distract her from the mind-fucking anxiety eating at her insides.

The end of the driveway, while only ten feet away, seemed like a mile. When she spotted the neighbor across the street, she froze. What if he noticed how anxious she was? What if he thought she was a fucking weirdo? What if he—gasp—spoke to her?

It was too much. She turned and ran the few feet back to safety, back to her prison, and slammed the door behind her. She sagged against the door, her heart thudding in her chest, the disappointment in her failure making her even more anxious. She ran to the medicine cabinet, popped the top on the Xanax, chewed two up, and swallowed them down.

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